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Try as she might, Octomom has all the sex appeal of a tragedy. Still, despite her inability to have a convincing orgasm in front of strangers, these are prosperous times for the once-bankrupt Octomom.

She revealed to Stern that she recently became a sponsor for the coupon website Save Everyday , and the spokesperson for OctoLoan, a lender network that arranges for her to hang out with you down at the bottle deposit.

This is not Lindsay Lohan agreeing to do Playboy. That was a detour. Octomom in Home Alone is a total surrender. It is desperation and latent narcissism manifested as public self-degradation.

She is trolling herself. To call it a train wreck would be to diminish legitimate train wrecks. Cameron Manheim masturbating with a vacuum nozzle while smearing refried beans on her nipples would be a train wreck.

Tom Sizemore wearing Ugg boots and a doo-rag and sweating like a malaria-infected prisoner in a North Vietnamese dirt dungeon was a train wreck.

Home Alone is not gross or fascinating or arousing. Her stomach looks totally normal and not gross, which is almost inconceivable considering that when she was pregnant she looked like she had swallowed a beanbag chair and John Goodman at the same time.

She is not so much unattractive as she is an assemblage of odd or obviously artificial parts. Side note: When you're quoting someone, how do you know he or she intended two exclamation points at the end of the sentence?

I digress. Suleman will be back on set next week to film more tasteful self-love scenes. Here's hoping she got the money up front: Octomom filed for bankruptcy earlier this week.

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